I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
