you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
And then my night got REAL pukey
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
