All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
