I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
