She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
