Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
