the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
