My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
