I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
