and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I think I sprained my soul last night
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
