he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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