Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
