I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
