My sheets look like a crime scene.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
