I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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