i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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