I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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