then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
