You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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