I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
