Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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