Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
