i need an iv and a liver transplant
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
