I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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