And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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