Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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