That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
