i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
