the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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