So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
