Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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