never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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