My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
