eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
