I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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