Soap is not a condiment
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
