I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
