Someone shit on the floor
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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