haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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