I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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