Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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