I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
