My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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