I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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