So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
