If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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