there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
