and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
