you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
