Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
